26 Year Old Male Sent to the Funny Farm
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Happily Ever After Cafe discussion
I guess blonde applies to men too... lolAn Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building,"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much!"
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."
LOL!!! Boodro, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to Dr. Thibodeaux for his every-five-year check-up.Doc Thib is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition, Boodro.
"Ah stay in the swamp and Ah hunt and fish every day." says the old Cajun,"dat's why Ah'm in such good shape. "Ah'm up well before daylight and out hunting or fishing all day. Ah have a beer for breakfast and at lunch and wit my supper. And Ah have a shot of gin before bed time. And Ah say my prayers every night. And all is well wit me"
"Well," says Doctor Thibodeaux," I'm sure them prayers helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said Pop is dead?"
Doc Thib is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"
"Pop is gunner be 100 next month," says Boodro. "In fact, he hunted wit me dis morning, and den we went to a "beer joint" for a while and had a few beers and dat's why he's still alive. He's a tough Cajun man And he hunts and fishes every day, too.
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Papa's dead?"
Stunned, Doc Thib asks, "You mean you're 80 years old, your father is 100 and your grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old is he?"
"We think he is bout 118." says old Boo. He likes his beer too, but he wont touch duh hard stuff."
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your grandfather went hunting and fishing with you'll this morning too?"
"No, Papa couldn't go this time. He's getting married today."
At this point Doc Thibodeaux is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"
Boodro looked down at the floor feeling embarrassed and mumbled; "Who said he wanted to?"
:D Girl Rules1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated.Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement.
"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at 'their' beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods...
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell...
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out...
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place...
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about
1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods....
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING,
DON'T YOU?
lol.... I love it :) and one more...FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination
for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
LOL! You ladies have given me a lot of laughs today.:-) Got this one in an email today and thought it cute.1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
LOL!!! A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves with a big smile on his face.
Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"
Things You'll Never Hear a Woman Say*You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
*The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
*While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal, they'll still cover the spread.
*I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends. Tell me more.
*I like using this lawn mower so much more than the old one. What a wonderful Valentine's present.
*Let's just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won't have to mess with it.
*I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly!
*If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.
*That was fun! When will all your friends come over to watch X-rated movies again?
Sidney's Last WishesSometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie', he told me.'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use t his money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.
At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring.
"So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?"
Letter of Recommendation Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
KEEP READING...
..
..
..
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
Regards,
Project Leader
lol A SMALL CABINA social worker from a big city in Massachusetts transferred to the mountains of North Carolina and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," said
the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"...
A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
************************************
Why'd the man take Viagra eyedrops?
Because he wanted to look hard!
A farmer and his wife were sitting in their kitchen talking about getting ready for bed when suddenly they saw a large alien saucer land in their field. Surprised, but not scared they went to offer the aliens shelter for the night. They all were having a fabulous time together and agreed to swap partners for the night to see what it would be like. The human female and the alien male went to a bedroom and unclothed. She looked at his and said "It doesn't look very long..are you sure it's ready? The male alien said to her "Twist my right ear." She did and it grew very large indeed. After seeing this she said: "That was amazing and not to be picky..but it's a little skinny, don't you think?" The alien told her to twist his left ear; so she did and it got very wide. The next morning the female human made coffee for her husband while she floated on the dream of the night before. He could already tell how her night went and really didn't need to ask, but he did so anyway. "Oh it was wonderful" she said. "And how about you?" His reply: "Oh it was alright...but really all she did was keep on twisting on my ears all night." *********************************
What does an atheist scream out during orgasm? "Oh! My non-existent spiritual being!"
*********************************
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants, " she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing, " the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The Next day he received a hundred letters that all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research."How much is this one?" he asked. "Well that one is a monkey brain and it's $20, " he explained.
"How much is that one?" he asked "Well that one is a female brain and its $100." he explained.
"And how much is that one?" he asked. "That one is a male's brain and it is $500" he explained.
"Why so expensive?" the alien asked. "Well it has hardly been used!"
Fun video! Cute video, Pamela! The guy is Ryan McPartlin. He plays Devon aka Captain Awesome on Chuck. I love him on that show, but then again I just plain love the show.;-) The right words at the right time: an art in need as an art indeed. 1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
5 The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12. Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
13. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
14. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
17. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
18. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
19. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
20. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If in an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
21. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
22. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
23. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
24. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
25. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for Miss America ?
26. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
27. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
28 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
29. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
30. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
32. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
33. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
34. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
35. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
36. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
37. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
38. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
39. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
40. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
41. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
42. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
43. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
44. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
45. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and"προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.
lol Love em! Got this in an email todayTo Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as
I am and have been a nun as long as I have; you get a chance to see
And hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
lol! 
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before Christmasand says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.'
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Denver and tell her.' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who
explodes on the phone.
'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there . I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay.' he says,
'They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way.'
Love it!!!! Good one, BJ Rose! I love it! The Balloonist A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'
________________________________________
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lol love it! 
LOL!!!! Good one, Melanie! Since we're probably all spending time in the malls doing our Christmas shopping, this one seemed appropriate:An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
lol Love it!!! From an Email I received. Please don't try these things lol. Amazing Simple Home Remedies:
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high Blood Pressure sufferers~ Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
DAILY THOUGHT: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. (PUSH !!)
rotflol!!! That last one is my favorite! LOLOL I've already sent the slinky one to another friend....it's a good one! A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
We can't chew them because we've no teeth,' she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them, then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
lol. Love it! 
Melanie, that was funny! LOLHow about this?
hehe lol Lisa, I love it!!! add: link cover
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